London Calling | FIL001
“Actually, life is beautiful, and I do have time.”
Over the years I’ve had many versions of a ‘bucket list’. They sat, gathering dust, in the back pages of old notebooks, at the bottom of a notes app, buried in a forgotten tumblr page. I ignored them, and re-created them, and ignored them again. They were stolen to-dos from people that were nothing like me, a misleading idea of accomplishments that somehow meant you were fulfilled in the eyes of society. Sometimes I even listed things I had already done, just so I could cross them off. There was nothing satisfying about it. Then one day, whilst aimlessly doom scrolling, I came across a post from someone aiming to tick off 100 bucket list items in a year. Wild, I thought, but what tickled me was that they called it a fuck-it list. As crass as that is, there is something charming about referring to it with a sort of desperate energy, as if you’re ditching the instinct to care too much, the urge to overthink. To just say fuck-it, I will do what I want.
Columbia Road Flower Market
My list hasn’t made it to 100, because this time I haven’t forced it. This time I choose my achievements based on what I actually want to do in life. Not necessarily things that are inherently difficult, or challenging or life-changing. No other reason, other than the fact that I want to. Things like “publish a book” are next to “have a rainbow picnic”. “Buy a house” next to “see Doja Cat live in concert.”. Let’s be honest, it really doesn’t matter. They may be so far out of reach you may never see them for many many years, or so close you can feel their heartbeat. The point of a ‘fuck it’ list is – as long as you’re not hurting anybody – if there’s nothing but time/hard work/discomfort in the way, in true Shia LaBeouf fashion – just do it.
That being said, the first installment of this lifelong series was quite (very) difficult, challenging and life-changing, and that was to move to the other side of the world. Growing up in little old New Zealand had become comfortable and monotonous. I felt like I was fitting into a mold, sculpted by what was expected of me, and my own expectations of who I should be. By no means has upending my life changed that, but it did teach me a lot about the world and my place in it in the process. It came with its fair share of struggles, breakdowns, anxiety, but we kept our eyes fixed on the horizon and the sun came up eventually. A new dawn, if you will, spilling out over the clouds, and I am here soaking myself in it, falling deeper and deeper in love with living. And that’s not because London is gorgeous and invigorating (even though it is), but because I had to leave everything behind to discover what matters most to me.
Buckingham Palace
As I expected, living apart from responsibility is truly joyful. Having the ability to hop over the sea whenever we wish and sink into the arms of an entirely new country is baffling and extraordinary, especially coming from an island nation tucked into the corner of the Pacific Ocean. Every day feels like a gift, and I am incredibly privileged to have the ability to create this reality for myself. But what I didn’t expect was that the joy came hand in hand with acceptance. For things that are outside of my control, for my flaws and shortcomings and mistakes, for everything I miss out on back home. I will never not disappoint somebody, I will never be perfect, I will never achieve every single one of my wildest dreams. And that’s okay. If I am at home on a chilly winter’s morning, if I’m lying on a European beach, if I’m crying in the shower, if I’m here, watching the sun set over a sleepless city, no matter where I am or who I am, it will always be okay.
I don’t always feel this way of course. It’s easy to forget that I sacrificed a lot to be here, succumb to the lies of a bad day, focus on the hardships rather than the opportunity. But this is fuck it list 001. Whether or not I truly make it to 100, I’m happy to have done it, if only just this one. No matter what happens while I’m here, overfilling my cup with sunshine, friendships, love for life, the world, and everything on it, I will be proud of this moment until the day I die. Until I’m Major Tom paging to ground control “It’s time for me to come home.”.
And so I can cross off 001 on a long list of silly things I want to do in my lifetime. It’s been wild, surreal, an absolute delight. I know this is very different from the usual entries here. I hope you don’t mind me inserting some of my personal experiences in this story-centric blog, but the story of my life might just be the most immersive and my favourite one so far. Now I invite you to make your own fuck-it list. May you do whatever the fuck you want.
